I have been itching to talk about this issue but have been hesitant to discuss it with other moms for fear it would cause a rift. Now, since I find myself in a position where I have crossed over the boundary, and will be experiencing both, I am going to broach the subject.
What is it you ask? It is the often unspoken, sometimes blatant, but always present, battle of the moms. It has always seemed to me that all moms have divided themselves into two groups: Working Moms and Stay At Home Moms. By nature, the two are mutually exclusive. Moms are expected to fit neatly into one category or the other and then certain assumptions are made about them based on their label.
I have to admit, I have fallen into this mindset. As a working mom, I found it hard to relate to SAHM’s and I felt as if they were somehow giving up their independence. I guess that’s the word that it comes down to for me. Independence. I grew up in a family where independence was important, and I have always carried that with me through my adult life. For me to give that up, was not easy. I still have an uneasy feeling… What if something were to happen to Michael? How would I provide for our children on my own? Those questions do cross my mind, but we have been able to put some things in place so I know we would still be okay.
At the same time, I also felt a lot of guilt for going to work everyday and allowing others to “raise,” my kids during the week. I don’t regret it though, I feel like that was what we needed to do at the time and we found the best caregivers to stand in for us while we worked. I still think daycare is great for kids. It helps them learn social skills and all kinds of things they don’t learn from just two parents. I am hopeful I can find some social outlets for us now. They are used to being around kids and I know they will miss it, and I need to talk to an adult or two once in a while!
I would LOVE to hear from other moms on this issue. I am completely open to all comments on this post. Since I haven’t really discussed this with other moms before, I don’t know if they feel the same way, or if it’s just me. So, tell me, are you on one side or the other? Or are you able to relate to both? If you are a working mom, do you secretly wish you could stay home? If you are a SAHM, do you envy those who get a break from their kids and go to work? Something tells me this may be a case of the grass is always greener. Maybe having a discussion about this will help other moms better relate to each other. Please, tell me what you think.
In terms of Mom wars- I have become sooo much less jusdgemental of other people's parenting in general since I became a parent myself. You just realize how hard it really is, and how you think that it might be someone's parenting when you see a kiddo being crazy- but you realize that every kid is different and what might work for one doesn't work for another, etc (and that that might just as easily be your own kid). Before I had kids, and when I was pregnant, I felt sooo strongly and passionately about kids not being "raised in daycare", etc. and I still feel very passionate about the social issues around that and, that women who desire to be home with their kids (note, emphasis on women who desire) should be able to. That is a side discussion- the whole socioeconomic issues and social policy issues (eg, in comparison with the US, denmark or sweden or other countries like that you can take sooo much more maternity leave AND paternity leave). But, staying at home is not for those who don't feel it in their heart! Because it is HARD. It is the most wonderful thing EVER, but it is hard. I think that most women don't really talk about it- or we minimize it by saying "oh, it's all worth it." Well, it goes without saying that it's all worth it and wonderful, and you love them more than anything- but, you have to be able to stay how it wears on you to be alone day after day and not even be able to pee without a crisis happening, aspecially when your kid is barely sleeping and doesn't really take naps and you so are a walking zombie, totally depleted and doing it all alone. So, if you are someone who would rather be working, a woman shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to work. My issue that really gets me is for those women who are pining away to be able to stay at home with their kids and just can't do it due to finances and the way our society is- that is what is hard to see. When we moved I got to be a stay at home mom for a good while. and it was wonderful, and exhausting, and lonely, and fun, and special, and frazzling. Now I work part-time. Which is the best of both worlds some say, but sometimes I think the worst of both worlds, too. (It is harder to be on top of things when you're only part time, on good days it feels like an ok balance, on bad days it feels like you're letting your kid and your job down). So, I guess I don't know that there's any one ideal thing for everyone, and either way you go, there are pros and cons. We could all learn from each other.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, AND staying at home can be a little disallusioning (sp?). It was for me a little- I mean, I thought at the outset that I would be able to have a super clean house and use all this time at home to do housework, and have dinner ready for my hubby when he got home, and yata yata. But, the kid thing really is full-time, and unless you are someone who sets your kids in front of the TV all day, your house is going to look like your kids were home all day, making a mess. I did usually manage to have dinner done by the time my hubby got home from work, and I made Ben's baby food and made all his food (sneaking veggie purees in), and the kitchen usually reflected it- because it was a feat just to get all that cooking done with a baby/toddler hanging on you, let alone clean up. Now that I'm working part-time (which also makes your days off busier, cause you have to pack all of your appointments and errands, etc. on your days off), I cook less, and Ben has gotten chicken nuggets more than I would like to admit, and he watches cartoons more than he did when I wasn't working, just so that I can get this or that done- cause there's no other time to do it. So, I guess the point of my rambling is that if you do stay home, you can't hold yourself up to a martha stewart-ish standard of housekeeping and such, cause you'll feel like a failure. I'm just so thankful I get to be with Ben part-time! It's imperfect, and there are pros and cons to it, and I frequently wish I could be home full-time, but I'll look back and be so appreciative I had this time with him!
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your insight Kelly - it looks like you have a lot to say. Maybe you should start your own blog. :-) Not that I mind you commenting on mine. It makes it much more interesting. Keep 'em coming.
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